ARE YOU A JERK?

Are you a jerk? No, you say? How do you know? Not surprisingly, it is hard for you to tell if you are a jerk. Identifying others as jerks is a lot easier. To that end, jerk expert Eric Schwitzgebel, a professor of philosophy at the University of California, Riverside, has created a five-question quiz for each of us to privately test our level of "jerkitude."

Take the five-question official Jerk Quiz if you dare:

1. You're waiting in a line at the pharmacy. What are you thinking?

• Did I forget anything on my shopping list? 
• Should I get ibuprofen or acetaminophen? I never can keep them straight. 
• Oh no, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bump you. 
• These people are so damned incompetent! Why do I have to waste my time with these fools? 

2. At the staff meeting, Peter says that your proposal probably won't work. You think:

• Hmm...good point, but I bet I could fix that. 
• Oh, Loretta is smiling at Peter again. I guess she agrees with him and not me, darn it. But I still think my proposal is probably better than his. 
• Shoot, Peter's right. I should have thought of that! 
• Peter the big flaming ass. He's playing for the raise. And all the other idiots here are just eating it up! 

3. You see a 30-year-old guy walking down the street with steampunk goggles, pink hair, dirty sneakers and badly applied red lipstick. You think:

• Different strokes for different folks! 
• Hey, is that a new donut shop on the corner? 
• I wish I were that brave. I bet he knows how to have fun. 
• Get a job already. And at least learn how to apply the frickin' lipstick. 

4. At a stop sign, a pedestrian is crossing slowly in front of your car. You think:

• Wow, this tune on my radio has a fun little beat! 
• My boss will have my hide if I'm late again. Why did I hit snooze three times? 
• She looks like she's seen a few hard knocks. I bet she has a story or two to tell. 
• Can't this bozo walk any faster? What a lazy slob! 

5. The server at the restaurant forgets that you ordered the hamburger with chili. There's the burger on the table before you, with no chili. You think:

• Whatever. I'll get the chili next time. Fewer calories anyway. 
• Shoot, no chili. I really love chili on a burger! Argh, let's get this fixed. I'm hungry! 
• Wow, look how crowded this place is. She looks totally slammed. I'll try to catch her to fix the order the next time she swings by. 
• You know, there's a reason that people like her are stuck in loser jobs like this. If I were running this place, I'd fire her so fast you'd hear the sonic boom two miles down the street. 

How many times did you answer d?

0: Sorry, I don't believe you.
1-2: Yeah, fair enough. Same with the rest of us.
3-4: Ouch. Is this really how you see things most of the time? I hope you're just being too hard on yourself.
5: Yes, you are being too hard on yourself. Either that, or please step forward for the true-blue jerk gold medal.