ON THIS DAY
Little known fact: The first thing he said to his men was, "Does anyone know something that rhymes with 'ocean blue'?"
When his three ships arrived... only to find the banks closed.
Yes, this is the actual date in 1492 that Christopher Columbus landed in America and ruined everything.
Yes, kids, that's where Indigenous People's Day all began.
Now they just do it when they run for office.
Back then, it was much tougher for "Saturday Night Live" actors to impersonate politicians.
Afterwards, she went on a tour blaming Ezekiel Trump.
See, there were things more painful to watch than a Republican debate.
On this date in 1892, the original version of the Pledge of Allegiance was first recited in public schools to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Columbus' landing. Of course, since then, schools no longer recite it, the phrase "under God" is under fire and Columbus Day is now "Indigenous Peoples' Day." Otherwise, things are still the same.
On this date in 1942, President Roosevelt gave on of his so-called radio "fireside chats," where he recommended drafting 18- and 19-year old men. 18 and 18-year-old women said, "Sounds good to us!"
In 1969, Soyuz 7 was launched. It was either a spaceship or vodka, one of the two.
On this date in 1972, the American satellite "Mariner IX" took pictures of the Martian north pole. I'm just imagining a space toy shop with a green Santa Claus.