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Tuesday, December 11, 2018

THIS OR THAT

Two choices: you gotta pick one and tell us why!

Mistletoe or Holly

Meeting one of Santa's elves or seeing one of his actual reindeer

Christmas dinner at 3pm or 6pm

Opening presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Day

Figgy pudding or Fruitcake

O Come All Ye Faithful or Silent Night

Wrapping gifts in paper or Gift bags

Hot chocolate or a cold egg nog

Shopping at the mall or Shopping Online

Leaving up your Christmas decorations after New Year or taking them down the day after Christmas

WORST LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFTS

  1. The Spam-a-Palooza Holiday Gift Pack
  2. Sheep shearing kit
  3. An upper lip wax party
  4. A Howie Mandel Chia Pet
  5. A Dodge Dart Game

WEIRD NEWS

Pastafarians Have Nothing on Bretharians!

In Liverpool, England, Khai Ho is a 28-year-old pizza delivery man who identifies as a "breatharian" and claims mediation has helped him to collect all the nutrients he needs from the air so that he can survive on just 100 calories a week. Ho says as a child he often wouldn't eat, claiming he has never felt hunger and food has never appealed to him. But now he claims he is able to give up food for three months at a time, only eating mints to stop the "bitter taste" in his mouth. Ho says, "It's an amazing feeling, I'm fully conscious of my mind and I've never felt so great. I'm fully aware of my surroundings. People think I'm crazy but incredible at the same time." Ho claims that he gathers his nutrients from the sunlight around him and that he can even take in moisture that he needs from the air. Breatharians claim that food, and in some cases water, are not necessary for survival, and that humans can be sustained solely by prana, the vital life force in Hindu religion. Another benefit - Ho says, "I do save a lot of money though as I never have to do any food shopping. It's a miracle that you can live this way but I'm living proof." (Mirror)

Seriously- DO NOT Do the Soy Sauce Colon Cleanse

There's another one of those extremely dangerous internet fads going around that's right up there with the Tide Pods thing. The idea is that you drink an entire liter of soy sauce in two hours to produce some sort of epically spectacular colon cleanse. The big problem with that is that it can very well kill you. An incident detailed on medical YouTube channel Chubbyemu involves a 39-year-old woman, identified as CG, who presented to emergency services with a rapidly deteriorating mental status. Earlier that day the woman had been performing a "soy sauce colon cleanse." Soon after drinking the highly salt-laden soy sauce she felt her heart beating faster, a doctor based in the US identified only as Bernard said. She ultimately collapsed and was soon brain dead. She was rushed to hospital and while en route went into cardiac arrest, before being resuscitated. Doctor found she was suffering from acute hypernatremia - meaning she had extremely high levels of salt in her blood. Bernard added, "CG was told the soy sauce would stay in her colon. Toxin-filled water would then flow in and she'd be cleansed, but that's not how it happens." He said the soy sauce brought huge amounts of salt into her stomach, which began sucking water from her muscles and organs. (The Sun)

The Power of the Exoskeleton

In Sweetwater, Florida, a Florida International University student graduated Sunday, walking across the stage for his diploma despite having suffered a debilitating spinal injury years earlier. Aldo Amenta, an international student from Venezuela, was seriously injured in 2015 in a diving accident at a pool. However, he was able to leave his wheelchair behind and proudly walk across the stage to get his diploma using an exoskeleton. He says, "It was an amazing experience. For me it was a milestone to accomplish. Being able to cross the stage walking is something that's really meaningful." The feat required many hours of practice with the exoskeleton, but he said all the hard work was worth it. He graduated with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering and plans to continue his studies with a master's degree. Because of the accident, Amenta considered dropping out of FIU but a university scholarship -- FIU's Ignite Campaign -- allowed him to complete his studies and continue his treatments. (Local 10 Miami)

Uh Oh! Oreo!

In Byron, Illinois, ten football players from Byron High School were suspended from the team for three games last month after they ran across a field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks. If it makes you feel any better, school administrators concluded this was not a hazing incident; rather the boys who went on the so-called "Oreo Run" did so completely voluntarily! The students were forced to sit out games on Nov. 19, 17 and 23 - the last of which was the Class 3A state championship game in which Byron lost 24-20 to Monticello High School. (Rockford Register Star)

I Didn't Know Pine-Sol Made Juice Boxes?

Meanwhile in Honolulu, three small children took sips of Pine-Sol after a classroom assistant at the Kilohana United Methodist Church Preschool mistook the liquid for apple juice. (Because of course Pine-Sol smells just like apple juice!!) Paramedics were called and fortunately found no signs of trauma or sickness. The girls' parents declined to take them to the hospital. Only sips were taken before the lead teacher realized the liquid was not apple juice. One parent, Andrea Ganote, said she was shocked a mistake like that could even happen. According to school administrators, the assistant prepared snacks of crackers and juice as the classroom teacher attended to children at the restroom, according to the inspection report. The assistant picked up the container of yellow-brown liquid off a clean-up cart in the kitchen and poured it into cups. The report notes the cleaner was in its original container and properly labeled. The cart did not have any food items on it. All food was labeled and stored in kitchen cabinets, according to the report. The preschool said it will be evaluating its process for obtaining snacks and refreshments to prevent any chance of this happening again. Staff will also undergo additional training. (WFSB)

Top Dog Names!

Old and Tired: Spot, Rover, Buddy. New and Hot: Max, Tucker, Luna! These are just some of 2018's popular names for dogs. Kate Jaffe is a dog name curator for Rover, the world's largest network of pet sitters and dog walkers. She says, "We have one of the largest databases of dog names, so every year we analyze the list to find out what the top names are." And the analysis doesn't stop there. Jaffe says the company also looks at trends across the U.S. to see what people are talking about and have cared about in the past year. "Then we cross reference that with our database to see how those trends are really mirrored in the way people are naming their dogs," Jaffe says. "What we've found is that the things that we care about the most, whether it's the food we're eating or pop culture, are really mirrored in the ways that we're naming our dogs." Here they are:

Top 10 Male Dog Names 2018

Max

Charlie

Cooper

Buddy

Jack

Rocky

Duke

Bear

Tucker

Oliver


Top 10 Female Dog Names 2018

Bella

Lucy

Luna

Daisy

Lola

Sadie

Molly

Bailey

Maggie

Stella

What the What?

In Washington State, the Richland Police Department tried an usual tactic directed at fugitive 38-year-old Anthony Akers. Police said Akers had promised to turn himself in after being informed he was wanted for "failure to comply" -- but the cops got stood up. So in a social media post they wrote: "Dear Anthony, is it us?" the post read. "Last Wednesday, we reached out to you as ‘wanted.' You replied and even said you were going to turn yourself in. We waited, but you didn't show." The police department asked Akers to call them and even offered to swing by his place. Akers reportedly has a history of "drug abuse and protection order violations." Akers responded, essentially telling the cops: "It's not you. It's me." He said he "obviously" has "commitment issues" -- but promised he would be at the police station the next day "not later than lunchtime." He closed his response writing: "Thank you in advance to your response if you are patiently giving me another chance with us, I know I don't deserve it. P.S. you're beautiful." Later he posted a picture of himself outside the police station and wrote: "Here for our date sweetheart." (FOX News)

DID YOU KNOW?

  • We order pizza mostly in our 20's, then less & less as we get older.
  • A survey found that the most useful thing that students learn while at college is how to do laundry.
  • 30% of women in a recent survey say they won't marry a man who has a bad credit score.
  • 20 percent of women say a high school reunion inspires them to lose weight.
  • 62% of employers say they would work harder if their bosses would give them a Christmas bonus.
  • 42% of office workers say office gossip is their favorite reason to go to work.
  • Over 90% of American households bought a pie last week.
  • A new study found that this is the number one thing that annoys us while we are out Christmas shopping. People walking slowly.

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

It doesn't arrive in the U.S. until December 21st, but "Aquaman" opened in Chinese theaters over the weekend, pulling in $93 million.

A new survey finds that 58% of Americans don't do any muscle-strengthening exercises at all.

The family of actor Kirk Douglas, Michael's dad, celebrated his 102 birthday with him on Sunday.

Meryl Streep's daughter is pregnant, meaning Meryl is about to become a grandma!

A report says New Year's Eve is the biggest night for babysitting jobs.

Don't feel too badly for disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong. He apparently made millions of dollars being an early investor in Uber.

Supposedly, Tumblr users are leaving in droves after the site has banned porn.

In the German town of Friedberg, where Elvis Presley was stationed at an army base from 1958-60, they've re-done three of their traffic lights, where walk and don't walk symbols are figures of Elvis Presley.

Lindsay Buckingham says he's settled his lawsuit with Fleetwood Mac after they kicked him out of the group.

Someone is working on a musical based on the life of Meghan Markle.

She didn't say how it happened, but Mel B announced on Instagram that she broke two ribs and a cut on her right hand over the weekend.

TODAY IS

Two weeks from today, people.

Mos Def turns 45 today. I wonder what Mos is short for. Then again, I wonder what Def is short for.

Mo'nique hits 51 today. She plans a quiet evening at home with her sisters: U'nique, Tech'nique and Tanza'nique.

Jermaine Jackson, the normal but less talented brother of Michael Jackson, turns 64 today. I don't want to say he was the sane of the brothers. Nope, you can't make me.

Teri Garr turns 71 today. You may remember her from Young Frankenstein. She was an admirer of schwanstuckers. She had the honor of saying "Thank you" after Dr. Frankenstein uttered those immortal words, "What knockers!"

David Gates of Bread turns 78 today. He used to sing, "Baby, I'm a Want You." These days it's, "Baby I Can't Hear You." For a while, Bread was hot... then, they went stale.

Jack Frost Day -- In "The Christmas Song," what is Jack Frost doing to your nose?" ("Nipping!")

ON THIS DAY

It was on this date in 1719, that the Aurora Borealis was seen by settlers in New England for the very first time...
  • As long as you don't count the original inhabitants, who had been there thousands of years.
  • At first, they were trying to record it but were unsuccessful. Then, someone suggested they try at night.
  • Of course, back then, it was recorded in black and white.
On this date in 1792, France's King Louis XVI went on trial accused of treason. He was later convicted and sent to the guillotine. On the positive side, it did cure his migraines.

In 1816, Indiana became our 19th state. A guy named Jonathon Jennings gets credit for leading the drive for statehood, thus earning him the name "Hoosier Daddy!"

On this date in 1892, a basketball game was played in public for the very first time in Springfield, MA. I'm curious why they were keeping it private for so long?
  • Marv Albert says that, all things considered, it was still fun to watch.
  • Back in that first game, they used peach baskets. It wasn't until halftime that they realized it would be easier to hit a shot if they took the peaches out.
  • The game was in its early form. They soon discovered they needed a "no tackling rule" and to get rid of the bats.
  • The two teams shot so poorly, they kept their games private for years.
  • I don't know what year it became a Christmas tradition.
In 1953, Anchorage, Alaska, got its first TV station.
  • The thing was, if the antenna wasn't working and the screen was all snowy, everyone just assumed that's how the picture should look.
  • The first program shown on Alaskan television? "Nome Improvement."
  • Talk about an easy job -- being the weatherman there! Snow, with a chance of more snow, making way for even more snow later. But enough about summer.
On this date in 1975, the price of a U.S. postage stamp went from 10 cents to 13 cents. These days, that wouldn't even get your letter past the end of the street.

Music Calendar...

In 1957 In a move that almost ruins his career, Jerry Lee Lewis marries his 13-year-old cousin Myra.
In 1958 The Coasters record "Charlie Brown."
In 1960 Aretha Franklin makes her New York singing debut at the Village Vanguard.
In 1961 "Please Mr. Postman" by the Marvelettes is #1 on the U.S. top 40 chart.
In 1964 Sam Cooke is shot to death in Los Angeles by a woman who alleged he was trying to rape her. Later, a court agrees on self-defense.
In 1965 "Crying Time" by Ray Charles and "She's Just My Style" by Gary Lewis & The Playboys both enter the U.S. top 40 chart.
In 1967 Nancy Sinatra's TV special "Movin' With Nancy Sinatra" airs on NBC.
In 1967 Grapefruit is the first band to sign with the Beatles' Apple label.
In 1968 The Rolling Stones' film "Rock 'N Roll Circus" airs on BBC-TV.
In 1969 "Take A Letter Maria" by R.B. Greaves is certified gold.
In 1970 John Lennon's first album following the Beatles break up, "John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band," is released.
In 1970 "The Magic Christian," a film starring Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr, premieres in London.
In 1971 James Brown's "Revolution of the Mind," his 32nd album, is released.
In 1971 "Anticipation" by Carly Simon enters the U.S. top 40 chart.
In 1972 Genesis plays their first U.S. concert at Brandeis University in Massachusetts.
In 1972 James Brown is arrested for "disorderly conduct" in Knoxville, TN.
In 1973 "Top of the World" by the Carpenters is certified gold.
In 1976 Kiss guitarist Ace Frehley is knocked out by a surge of electricity during a concert in Florida. He recovered and finished the concert.
In 1976 Frank Zappa performs on NBC-TV's "Saturday Night Live."
In 1976 Bob Seger's album "Night Moves" is released.
In 1976 "Dancin' Queen" by Abba and "Year of the Cat" by Al Stewart both enter the U.S. top 40 chart.
In 1978 Newsweek features an article about Billy Joel entitled "Billy The Kid."
In 1980 Dolly Parton appears on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.
In 1982 "Mickey" by Toni Basil is #1 on the U.S. top 40 chart.
In 1988 Rodney Crowell & Roseanne Cash have a 3rd daughter, Carrie Kathleen.
In 1988 Don Henley, Tom Petty and Graham Nash pay tribute to Roy Orbison with a benefit show at The Wiltern Theatre.
In 1989 A fire destroys a barn on Michael Jackson's ranch in Santa Ynez, California. None of his animals were harmed.
In 1990 Madonna's video "Justify My Love" goes on sale.
In 1991 Steven Spielberg's film "Hook" opens featuring Phil Collins as a police inspector and David Crosby as a pirate.
In 1993 "Again" by Janet Jackson hits #1 on the U.S. top 40 chart and stayed there for 2 weeks.
In 1996 A battle over Jerry Garcia's estate between Garcia's widow and his second wife opened in San Francisco probate court.
In 1996 "Don't Let Go" by En Vogue is certified gold.
In 1997 Mick Jagger's Internet company, Jagged Internetworks, debuts with a live webcast of the Akai Singer Champions Trophy, an international cricket tournament in the United Arab Emirates.
In 1997 Jewel, Sinead O'Connor and Emmylou Harris perform the Beatles' "In My Life" together at the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize concert in Oslo.
In 1997 Blues Traveler's album "Straight On Till Morning" is certified gold, as is Amy Grant's CD "Behind The Eyes."
In 1998 B*witched's single "C'est La Vie" is released.
In 1998 Elton John's album "Love Songs" is certified double platinum, while Madonna's album "Ray Of Light" goes triple platinum.
In 2001 Kylie Minogue wins three awards and performs at the first Italian Dance Awards in Milan.
In 2002 The hobbled Guns N' Roses North American tour suffers a final blow as its promoters cancel the remaining dates.
In 2003 MTV airs a holiday season special from the home of Ozzy Osbourne with "The Osbourne Family Christmas Special."

Today In History...


In 1719 The first recorded sighting of the Aurora Borealis takes place in New England.
In 1792 France's King Louis XVI goes on trial accused of treason. (Convicted and condemned, Louis was sent to the guillotine.)
In 1816 Indiana becomes the 19th U.S. state.
In 1872 America's first black governor takes office as Pickney Benton Stewart Pinchback becomes acting governor of Louisiana.
In 1892 The first public basketball game is played in Springfield, MA.
In 1928 Police in Buenos Aires prevent an attempt to kill President-elect Herbert Hoover.
In 1936 King Edward VIII of England abdicates the throne in order to marry 2-time American divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson.
In 1937 Italy withdraws from the League of Nations.
In 1941 Germany and Italy declare war on the United States.
In 1946 The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established.
In 1950 The U.S. Supreme Court rules that people can not be forced to testify against themselves in criminal cases (5th Amendment decision).
In 1953 KTVA/Anchorage becomes Alaska's first TV station.
In 1961 A U.S. aircraft carrier carrying Army helicopters arrives in Saigon, the first dirrect American military intervention in Vietnam.
In 1975 First Class Mail now costs 13 cents (had been 10 cents).
In 1980 President Carter signs into law legislation creating a $1.6 billion enviromental "superfund" to pay for cleaning up chemical spills and toxic waste dumps.
In 1981 The U.N. Security Council chose Javier Perez de Cuellar of Peru to be the fifth secretary-general of the world body.
In 1983 Isamu Furugen sets the world marathon skating record at 344 hours and 18 minutes in Okinawa.
In 1983 Pope John Paul II visits a Lutheran church in Rome, the first visit by a Roman Catholic pontiff to a Protestant church in his own diocese.
In 1985 The U.S. House of Representatives joins the U.S. Senate in giving final congressional approval to the Gramm-Rudman deficit-reduction law.
In 1986 The government of South Africa drastically expands its 6-month-old media restrictions by imposing prior censorship and banning coverage of a wide range of peaceful anti-apartheid protests.
In 1987 NATO allies urge the U.S. Senate to ratify the intermediate-range missile treaty, and pledge to let the Soviet Union inspect missile bases in five European countries.
In 1988 Fireworks sold illegally at a market in Mexico City explode, starting a runaway fire that kills 62.
In 1990 Hundreds of foreigners fly out of Iraq and Iraqi-occupied Kuwait, ending four months of captivity following Iraq's invasion of its oil-rich neighbor.
In 1990 Ivana Trump is divorced from real estate mogul Donald Trump after 12 years of marriage.
In 1991 A jury in West Palm Beach, FL, acquits William Kennedy Smith of sexual assault and battery, rejecting the allegations of Patricia Bowman, who said Smith had raped her.
In 1992 President-elect Clinton names Robert Reich as labor secretary and Donna Shalala as secretary of Health and Human Services.
In 1994 Thousands of Russian troops backed by armored columns and jets roll into breakaway republic of Chechnya.
In 1994 Leaders of 34 Western Hemisphere nations sign a free-trade declaration in Miami.
In 1995 Utah Congresswoman Enid Greene Waldholtz holds an emotional news conference in which she publicly addressed the scandal surrounding her personal and campaign finances.
In 1996 A China-organized committee of 400 Hong Kong notables elects shipping tycoon Tung Chee-hwa to be the first post-colonial leader of Hong Kong.
In 1997 Suspected Hutu rebels attack a Tutsi refugee camp in northwestern Rwanda, killing as many as 200 people.
In 1997 Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams is first political ally of the IRA in 76 years to meet a British prime minister.
In 1997 Henry Cisneros, Clinton's first housing secretary, is indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice and making false statements about payments to his former mistress.
In 1998 The first global conference on "Year 2000 bug" opens at the United Nations.
In 1999 Ron Dayne, Wisconsin's record-setting tailback, wins the Heisman.
In 2000 Shortstop Alex Rodriguez agrees to $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers, by far the most lucrative contract with any sports team.
In 2001 In the first criminal indictment stemming from the September 11 attacks, federal prosecutors charge Zacarias Moussaoui, a French citizen of Moroccan descent, with conspiring to murder thousands in the suicide hijackings.

Born On This Day...


In 1475Pope Leo X (1513-21)
In 1781Physicist/inventor, Sir David Brewster (Kaleidoscope)
In 1803Composer, Hector Berlioz
In 1830King Kamehameha V of Hawaii (1863-1872)
In 1843Physician, Robert Koch (discovered TB bacillis) (Nobel-1905)
In 1854Baseball Hall-of-Famer, Charles Gardner "Old Hoss" Radbourn
In 1863American astronomer, Annie Jump Cannon
In 1874Inventor, James Kraft (pasteurizing process for cheese)
In 1882Fiorello La Guardia, mayor of New York City (1933-45)
In 1882German physicist, Max Born (quantum mechanics) (Nobel-1954)
In 1889Businessman, Walter Knott (Knotts Berry Farm)
In 1904Cartoonist, Marjorie Buell (Little Lulu) [d: 5-30-93]
In 1905Actor, Gilbert Roland (Cisco Kid) [d: 5-15-94]
In 1918Author, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (Cancer Ward) (Nobel-1970) [d: 8-3-08]
In 1919Actress, Marie Windsor [d: 12-10-00]
In 1923Actress, Betsy Blair (Marcus Welby MD, Scarlett) [d: 5-13-09]
In 1924College football player, Felix 'Doc' Blanchard (Heisman, 1945) [d: 4-19-09]
In 1926Blues singer, Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton [d: 7-25-84]
In 1929Choreographer, Kenneth MacMillan (London Royal Ballet) [d: 10-29-92]
In 1931Actress, Rita Moreno (West Side Story, Cosby Mysteries) (87)
In 1935Country guitarist, Tom Brumley (The Buckaroos) [d: 2-3-09]
In 1935Actor, Ron Carey (Carl-Barney Miller, High Anxiety) [d: 1-16-07]
In 1936Actor, Tom Fuccello (Dave Culver-Dallas) [d: 8-16-93]
In 1938Football player, Fred Cox (Vikings) (80)
In 1939Journalist/activist, Tom Hayden [d: 10-23-16]
In 1940Singer/songwriter, David Gates (Baby I'm A Want You-Bread) (78)
In 1940Actress, Donna Mills (Abby-Knots Landing, Melrose Place) (78)
In 1941Singer, J. Frank Wilson (Last Kiss) [d: 10-4-91]
In 1942Tennis player, Karen Hantze Susman (Wimbledon, 1962) (76)
In 1943U.S. Secretary of Defense, John Kerry (2013-17) (75)
In 1944Singer, Brenda Lee (I'm Sorry, Break It To Me Gently) (74)
In 1944Actress, Lynda Day George (Casey-Mission Impossible) (74)
In 1947Actress, Teri Garr (Mr. Mom, Young Frankenstein, Tootsie) (71)
In 1950Shipping executive, Christina Onassis [d: 11-19-88]
In 1951Exerciser, Kathy Smith (67)
In 1952Director/producer, Susan Seidelman (Desperately Seeking Susan) (66)
In 1953Actress, Bess Armstrong (Married People, My So-Called-Life) (65)
In 1954Actor, Peter Isacksen (CPO Sharkey) (64)
In 1954Singer, Jermaine Jackson (The Jacksons) (64)
In 1955Basketball coach, Stu Jackson (Knicks, 1989-90) (63)
In 1958Actress, Isabella Hofmann (Captain Megan Russert-Homocide) (60)
In 1958Bassist/songwriter, Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue) (60)
In 1959Actress, Tina Gayle (Kathy-CHiPs) (ex-Cowboy cheerleader) (59)
In 1961Bassist, Daryl Jones (Sting, Rolling Stones) (57)
In 1962Actor, Ben Browder (Sam-Party of Five) (56)
In 1962Swimmer, Kim Linehan (1979 1500m world record) (56)
In 1962Keyboardist, Curtis 'Fitz' Williams (Kool & the Gang) (56)
In 1964Singer/bassist, Justin Currie (Del Amitri) (54)
In 1964Bassist/singer, Dave Schools (Widespread Panic) (54)
In 1965Playmate, Laurie Carr (December-1986) (53)
In 1966Actor, Gary Dourdan (Warrick Brown-CSI) (52)
In 1967Actress/comedian, Mo'nique (The Parkers) (51)
In 1967Basketball player, Katy Steding (1996 Women's Dream Team) (51)
In 1969Actor, Max Martini (Mack Gerhardt-The Unit) (49)
In 1970Playmate, Victoria Fuller (January-1996) (48)
In 1973Rap singer/actor, Mos Def (45)
In 1979Actor, Rider Strong (Shawn-Boy Meets World, Party of Five) (39)
In 1981Guitarist, Zacky Vengeance (Avenged Sevenfold) (37)
In 1985Actress, Karla Souza (How to Get Away with Murder) (33)
In 1996Actor, Jack Griffo (The Thundermans, Kickin' It) (22)
In 1996Actress, Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit, The Edge of Seventeen) (22)

Monday, December 10, 2018

NOT READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

You're not ready to be a parent unless you can pass the following tests:

Mess test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in a wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy test
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the little ones at night).

Grocery store test
Borrow one or two small goats and take them grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Tie jug to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night test
Fill a small cloth bag with about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical test
(Women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical test
(Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

THIS OR THAT

Two choices: you gotta pick one and tell us why! Mistletoe or Holly Meeting one of Santa's elves or seeing one of his actual reindee...