- Underline passages in a book someone has loaned you, especially sex passages.
- Drive home from a party if it takes you 10 minutes to find the damn car.
- Hang anything from your rearview mirror, except perhaps one of those cool hula dancers.
- Yell anything at your kid's soccer coach. If you yell at the players, you deserve a bicycle kick to the balls.
- Interject yourself into another couple's domestic spat, unless the argument becomes so loud and violent that you can't hear the game.
- Show vacation photos to anybody who wasn't on the trip with you.
- Fart during a massage.
- Hesitate, or be embarrassed, even for a moment, to reap the rewards of exercise, just because you are horrifyingly obese.
- Continue talking to a co-worker after he enters a bathroom stall and sits down.
- Bring out a half-consumed bottle of wine sealed with aluminum foil.
- Exclaim at the size of the dent your girlfriend left in the sofa.
- Ask someone if his dog is "an actual breed."
- Give your girlfriend jewelry still attached to a piece of cardboard.
- Wear white socks, except at the gym, unless you're also wearing sandals, in which case you shouldn't even leave the house.
- Ask a girl if she wants to stay the night, and when she answers, say, "I was only joking."
- Pick your nose in public and, when you realize you've been spotted, attempt to casually, almost accidentally, shove the booger back up your nose.
- Use words like "fornication," "masturbation," or "defecation" in public. Using such Latinate terms instead of simple Anglo-Saxon equivalents is pretentious.
- Lie on your resume. Especially about having hamsters.
- Express impatience when your wife is talking to you by repetitively glancing at your watch, tapping your foot, nodding your head rapidly, or faking a seizure.
- Tell anyone, "Welcome aboard!" unless you're on an actual boat.
- Put on a bagpipe CD at a party.
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
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