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Tuesday, April 3, 2018

NEVER EVER

(Men's Health) Guys, unless you want to be thought a jerk, loser, pig, or putz, never, ever... 

  • Underline passages in a book someone has loaned you, especially sex passages. 
  • Drive home from a party if it takes you 10 minutes to find the damn car. 
  • Hang anything from your rearview mirror, except perhaps one of those cool hula dancers. 
  • Yell anything at your kid's soccer coach. If you yell at the players, you deserve a bicycle kick to the balls. 
  • Interject yourself into another couple's domestic spat, unless the argument becomes so loud and violent that you can't hear the game. 
  • Show vacation photos to anybody who wasn't on the trip with you. 
  • Fart during a massage. 
  • Hesitate, or be embarrassed, even for a moment, to reap the rewards of exercise, just because you are horrifyingly obese. 
  • Continue talking to a co-worker after he enters a bathroom stall and sits down. 
  • Bring out a half-consumed bottle of wine sealed with aluminum foil. 
  • Exclaim at the size of the dent your girlfriend left in the sofa. 
  • Ask someone if his dog is "an actual breed." 
  • Give your girlfriend jewelry still attached to a piece of cardboard. 
  • Wear white socks, except at the gym, unless you're also wearing sandals, in which case you shouldn't even leave the house. 
  • Ask a girl if she wants to stay the night, and when she answers, say, "I was only joking." 
  • Pick your nose in public and, when you realize you've been spotted, attempt to casually, almost accidentally, shove the booger back up your nose. 
  • Use words like "fornication," "masturbation," or "defecation" in public. Using such Latinate terms instead of simple Anglo-Saxon equivalents is pretentious. 
  • Lie on your resume. Especially about having hamsters. 
  • Express impatience when your wife is talking to you by repetitively glancing at your watch, tapping your foot, nodding your head rapidly, or faking a seizure. 
  • Tell anyone, "Welcome aboard!" unless you're on an actual boat. 
  • Put on a bagpipe CD at a party. 

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