THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE A WOMAN FOR VALENTINE'S

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  • Anything with an electrical cord attached 
  • Anything that belongs in a kitchen 
  • Anything that makes a noise 
  • A Hickory Farms cheese ball 
  • A catcher's mitt
  • A rash in the shape of a heart 
  • A 6-pack of beer 
  • Nose hair trimmers 
  • Overalls 
  • A box of chocolates with all the good ones missing and big thumb-holes mashed into all the praline ones 
  • Jewelry that comes in a plastic bubble from a supermarket 
  • Frozen tater tots 
  • Anything from a drug store 
  • A chilled bottle of Mop and Glow 
  • Anything that says "one size fits all" 
  • Anything from Victoria's Secret that is two sizes too small 
  • A toilet brush 
  • A valentine balloon on a broken stick 
  • You, talking dirty 
  • Bikini briefs that have "Gimme a Big one!" printed on the front 
  • An extension cord with a bow on it 
  • A "Star Trek" or "Star Wars" calendar

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