TODAY IS

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One week away from Valentine's Day. You have been reminded.

Ashton Kutcher turns 39 today. Dude, where'd your thirties go?

Chris Rock turns 52 today. He was actually born with the name, Christopher Julius Rock III. I'd play a routine he did on birthdays for you, but we're short around 25 beeps.

Garth Brooks turns 55 today. He plans to have his favorite for dinner: all-bean burritos. Or, as they called it in his house, "Thunder Rolls."

James Spader is 57, at least, according to the Blacklist.

Send a Card to a Friend Day -- Here are some greeting cards you won't see:

  • Happy Vasectomy. Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one. It was real snippy. 
  • Heard you had Herpes. And I feel terrible. I'd say "get well soon." But I know it's incurable. 
  • My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry! 
  • You had your bladder removed, here's a bouquet of flowers. And a box of Depends. 
  • You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh. When they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 
  • Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be! Don't fret about your wife, though, she's moving in with me. 
  • You totaled your car, and can't remember why. Maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry.

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