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Friday, March 9, 2018

ON THIS DAY

n 1796, Napoleon married Josephine. He took her as his wife, and she took his Bonaparte. His last name! What were you thinking? Both were so short, they had to be married on a booster altar.

On this date in 1822, New York's Charles Graham was granted a patent for artificial teeth.
  • Next up-inventing synthetic cavities. 
  • If you're excited about that, get a Poly-grip. 
  • This paved the way for synthetic cavities. 
  • To give you an idea of how long ago that was, in those days, a set of "falsies" referred to teeth. 

In 1862, during the Civil War, the ironclads Monitor and Virginia (formerly the Merrimac) clashed for five hours to a draw. This was back in the days before sudden death overtime.

It was on this date in 1961 that the Soviet ship Sputnik 9 carried Chernushka, a dog, into orbit.
  • His name was Chernushka, which in Russian, means "the slow one that was caught." 
  • Of course, the dog had to circle the earth four times before lying down. 
  • What some people won't do to get out of walking their dog. 
  • It orbited the earth three times before it sat down. 

In 1975, work began on the Alaska pipeline. They allowed workers to eat any vegetables they wanted, except leeks.

On this date in 1979, a volcano was discovered on the planet Jupiter. Good thing we knew that so we wouldn't plan a vacation there.

In 1981, Dan Rather took over as the main anchor of the CBS Evening news. Kenneth watched with much frequency.

TODAY IS

Rap singer Bow Wow turns 31 today, or 217 in dog years.

Little Emmanuel Lewis turns 47 today. He was known as "Webster"... no, not the guy who wrote the dictionary.

Barbie, the world's most famous doll, turns 59 today. Accessories not included. Mattel introduced the Barbie doll on March 9, 1959.
  • I don't mean to spread rumors, but I think some of her is plastic. 
  • Not surprising, she's had a lot of work done and is mostly plastic. 
  • What you could possibly get for Barbie that isn't sold separately? 
  • Tonight she'll be Birthday Party Barbie, but of course, her friends and accessories are not included. 
  • But you know, even though she's 57, Barbie's still such a doll

Here are some new Barbie dolls to coincide with her and our aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.

Bifocals Barbie
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue.

Hot Flash Barbie
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie
Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with an anti-depressent. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a Bed & Breakfast. Includes a real recording of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

Recovery Barbie
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie
This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries alot. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

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