(from Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered: 

  • I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
  • My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 
  • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded... 
  • All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 
  • If all is not lost, where is it? 
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 
  • Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 
  • I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 
  • Accidents in the back seat - cause kids. 
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
  • Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 
  • When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 
  • It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. 
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
  • These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after. 


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