NEVER EVER


(Men's Health) Guys, unless you want to be thought a jerk, loser, pig, or putz, never, ever...
  • Underline passages in a book someone has loaned you, especially sex passages.
  • Drive home from a party if it takes you 10 minutes to find the damn car.
  • Hang anything from your rear view mirror, except perhaps one of those cool hula dancers.
  • Yell anything at your kid's soccer coach. If you yell at the players, you deserve a bicycle kick to the balls.
  • Interject yourself into another couple's domestic spat, unless the argument becomes so loud and violent that you can't hear the game.
  • Show vacation photos to anybody who wasn't on the trip with you.
  • Fart during a massage.
  • Hesitate, or be embarrassed, even for a moment, to reap the rewards of exercise, just because you are horrifyingly obese.
  • Continue talking to a co-worker after he enters a bathroom stall and sits down.
  • Bring out a half-consumed bottle of wine sealed with aluminum foil.
  • Exclaim at the size of the dent your girlfriend left in the sofa.
  • Ask someone if his dog is "an actual breed."
  • Give your girlfriend jewelry still attached to a piece of cardboard.
  • Wear white socks, except at the gym, unless you're also wearing sandals, in which case you shouldn't even leave the house.
  • Ask a girl if she wants to stay the night, and when she answers, say, "I was only joking."
  • Pick your nose in public and, when you realize you've been spotted, attempt to casually, almost accidentally, shove the booger back up your nose.
  • Use words like "fornication," "masturbation," or "defecation" in public. Using such Latinate terms instead of simple Anglo-Saxon equivalents is pretentious.
  • Lie on your resume. Especially about having hamsters.
  • Express impatience when your wife is talking to you by repetitively glancing at your watch, tapping your foot, nodding your head rapidly, or faking a seizure.
  • Tell anyone, "Welcome aboard!" unless you're on an actual boat.
  • Put on a bagpipe CD at a party.

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