TODAY IS
Kim Kardashian turns 36 today. What's she been up to? I haven't a thing about her for the past 12 minutes.
There was a time where she was concerned about having a few too many pounds, but it's all behind her now.
Of course, she's famous for... uh... being Kim Kardashian.
As she gets older, she's making it easier to keep up.
Jade Jagger, Mick's daughter, turns 45. Yep, he has a 45-year-old daughter.
Carrie Fisher -- yes, Princess Leia, excuse me General -- turns the big 6-0 today. Use the force, Carrie.
The Empire apparently still hasn't located her.
She's is now safely traveling in the fast lane at a legal 60.
Can't get those candles to go out? Use the force.
Eric Faulkner of the Bay City Rollers turns 61. I believe I heard a double "Who?" I hear Bay City Rollers and I think of "So I married an Axe Murderer."
Everett McGill, who played Ed Hurley on "Twin Peaks" before going into total obscurity, turns 71 today.
Judy Sheindlin turns 74 today. You know her better as "Judge Judy." Who even knew she had a last name?
Singer Elvin Bishop turns 74 today. His big hit years ago was "Fooled Around and Fell in Love." What he doesn't want to do at this age is "Fool around and fall."
National Babbling Day -- Even if no one else is in the room, go ahead and yak away. You're not crazy -- a recent study shows that talking to yourself is great for your mental health. Swedish psychotherapist Per Naroskin says babbling to no one forces you to listen to yourself. As a result, you'll develop talents you never knew existed, sleep better and work more efficiently. The solo chat is even more effective, says the author of "The Benefits Of Talking Loudly To Oneself," if the tongue-wagger uses kooky accents and funny voices. Too shy to vocalize alone? Speak to your pet, a plant, your car or, like Tom Hanks in "Castaway," to a volleyball.
Count Your Buttons Day -- Here are a few sayings that should be on buttons:
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I plead contemporary insanity.
Bottom less pit of needs and wants.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your crybaby whiny-asses opinion would be?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
How do I set an iPhone to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
There was a time where she was concerned about having a few too many pounds, but it's all behind her now.
Of course, she's famous for... uh... being Kim Kardashian.
As she gets older, she's making it easier to keep up.
Jade Jagger, Mick's daughter, turns 45. Yep, he has a 45-year-old daughter.
Carrie Fisher -- yes, Princess Leia, excuse me General -- turns the big 6-0 today. Use the force, Carrie.
The Empire apparently still hasn't located her.
She's is now safely traveling in the fast lane at a legal 60.
Can't get those candles to go out? Use the force.
Eric Faulkner of the Bay City Rollers turns 61. I believe I heard a double "Who?" I hear Bay City Rollers and I think of "So I married an Axe Murderer."
Everett McGill, who played Ed Hurley on "Twin Peaks" before going into total obscurity, turns 71 today.
Judy Sheindlin turns 74 today. You know her better as "Judge Judy." Who even knew she had a last name?
Singer Elvin Bishop turns 74 today. His big hit years ago was "Fooled Around and Fell in Love." What he doesn't want to do at this age is "Fool around and fall."
National Babbling Day -- Even if no one else is in the room, go ahead and yak away. You're not crazy -- a recent study shows that talking to yourself is great for your mental health. Swedish psychotherapist Per Naroskin says babbling to no one forces you to listen to yourself. As a result, you'll develop talents you never knew existed, sleep better and work more efficiently. The solo chat is even more effective, says the author of "The Benefits Of Talking Loudly To Oneself," if the tongue-wagger uses kooky accents and funny voices. Too shy to vocalize alone? Speak to your pet, a plant, your car or, like Tom Hanks in "Castaway," to a volleyball.
Count Your Buttons Day -- Here are a few sayings that should be on buttons:
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I plead contemporary insanity.
Bottom less pit of needs and wants.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your crybaby whiny-asses opinion would be?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
How do I set an iPhone to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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