THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A THREE-YEAR-OLD SAY

(from Olivia Appleby on mcsweeneys.net)
  • "It doesn't really look like a dragon, but never mind. I'll eat it anyway -- food is food!"
  • "Yep, that's exactly how I wanted it done. You've nailed it. Again."
  • "Don't need it. Already have three. Let's just stick to our shopping list."
  • "For Pete's sake, dad. It's 3:30 in the morning. Please, go back to bed -- you're starting a new job, and this is the one night you really need some decent sleep."
  • "Don't hide that square millimeter of zucchini behind the pasta. More! More green! I'm into micro sprouts at the moment too."
  • "It doesn't matter how we did this yesterday. Things change!"
  • "Here's the remote -- I don't really know how to use it anyway."
  • "I bet I can get in my car seat before you can say the words, 'My back. I can't... straighten... up...'"
  • "Here's your phone back."

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