• Butterball turkey tip #117. When sticking a meat thermometer in the turkey, make sure it is first dead.
  • (Turkey) How can anything that ugly cost so much?
  • Surgeon General has announced that stuffing your turkey should not be considered as safe sex.
  • If you want to know just how to pluck a turkey, just ask me about my last divorce.
  • After Thanksgiving dinner. I took off my shoes, put my feet up and un-did my pants, which is when they asked me to leave (restaurant).
  • Today on the program: "How to stuff a turkey without becoming emotionally involved."
  • Thanksgiving is the time of year you hear all the turkeys learning to "meow."
  • We always go to grandma's on Thanksgiving. She owns a McDonalds.
  • Tough: It took me almost an hour, just to carve the gravy.
  • A time for families to get together for the first time in years and ignore each other while they watch football.
  • _____ never picks a Butterball, or a Holly Farms. Instead they always choose their favorite turkey, "Swanson."
  • It's hard to describe my wife's turkey dressing. Just imagine Alpo laced with chestnuts.
  • As far as leftovers. First day I love turkey, second day I like turkey, third day I tolerate turkey, fourth day, we clean it off the ceiling.
  • My favorite food is the pumpkin pie. It's the greatest thing to put whip cream on, next to (sexy star).
  • _____'s turkey dinner is famous. In fact, last year it was offered to inmates awaiting death row, who didn't like the electric chair.


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