THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW ABOUT THEM

Men's Health compiled a list of things men really wish women knew about them, here is what they found:

• Testicles are a huge nuisance. They shift left, they shift right. It is like having a sweaty beanbag chair in your pants. So please refrain from chiding us if we occasionally feel the need to rearrange our boys.
• We were not looking at your friend's cleavage. We were looking at cleavage. Cleavage is its own self-contained entity. It does not matter what body it is attached to, unless it's mom's.
• Your expectations? They are all yours. We do not need them.
• We do not care if you had a lot of boyfriends before us. The number does not matter. What we really care about is that those boyfriends were all unemployed mouth-breathing homunculi who couldn't please you if you put your finger on it.
• Yes, actually, we think it does make you look fat.
• Complaining that we never ask for directions is like us complaining that you wear heels even when you know that the evening is going to involve a lot of walking. We are all irrational creatures, so let us just let everybody have his or her thing, okay?
• Two thing we will never fail to notice: car wrecks and side boob.
• It is unlikely that we will ever notice your new hair-cut unless you point it out. And when you do point it out, please don't make it an accusation.
• You think we are driving too fast now? You ought to see us when you are not in the car.
• Being able to pee anywhere, literally anywhere, is like a superpower. So of course we're going to test its limits. We'll pee outside, pee in a sink, pee over a balcony, let's try it all. Don't fence us in. It's like being granted the ability to fly and then someone says, "You can only do this indoors."
• Every one of us is well aware that we're whiny babies who can't take care of ourselves when we're sick. But hey, it works, doesn't it? Thanks in advance for being our sexy nurse.
• Don't get us wrong, we do admire you for your brains. And the way they sprout your incredibly sexy hair.
• We're completely different people at the office.
• We cry. But it has to be worth our tears. Like Field of Dreams worthy. If Colin Firth makes a film about baseball and fathers, then fine, we'll bawl along with you.
• You know your favorite teacher from high school, the one you still remember with exaggerated nostalgia? That's how we feel about the first porn we ever saw.
• We just think farts are funny, especially kid lets one rip in church. And yes, we know it's juvenile, and no, we don't care.
• In our world, if you say "nothing's wrong," that means "nothing's wrong." Because if you believe, as we do, that language is a form of communication in which a linguistic system of symbols or sounds is used to convey ideas and feelings, then maybe you should just say what you mean already.
• Actually, we don't hate shopping. You just pick the wrong stores.